I thought that I would miss you so, and never find my way. And then I heard the angel say “She’s with you every day.” "The sun, the moon, the wind, the stars, will forever be around, reminding you of the love you shared, and the peace she’s finally found.”
This is my wish for you: ”Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”
I welcome each new day with a hopeful expectancy that I, too, will rise above the ordinary. For I am not content to live a merely “normal” life or settle for an average existence. No, I am destined for more–much, much more.
“Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.”—He’s Just Not That Into You
“Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80’s movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80’s movie.”—Easy A
I think the lonely world that I live in, was perhaps self inflicted at the beginning, but has now become the invisible prison that I can never escape. When all we yearn for is a single soul to understand our own, then the greatest pain is realizing it will never be. There is no one around me that I can feel that connected to, or share my heart with and in the absence of that emotional warmth, I only have the cold empty space of the Internet to document my unwanted human condition.
Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be (possibly your roommate, neighbor, co-worker, longest friend, lover, or even a complete stranger you met on Skype) but when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.
Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints in our hearts, and We are never, ever the same.
And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart. Everything happens for a reason, nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience help to create who you become.
Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most touching and important ones. A friend told me, ”I hate life a lot, but I love the aspect of learning in life enough, to strive normally.”
If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.
Make every day count! Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don’t believe in yourself; it will be hard for others to believe in you.
You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets.
I tried it five years ago. I was at a neighbor’s house and fired a gun at my head. Nothing happened; it seemed empty. I fired it at a wall and put a bullet in it. So a minute later I found some Seconals in a medicine cabinet. I remember watching cartoons and taking the pills one by one. A neighbor lady found me and couldn’t wake me up. I couldn’t open my eyes or move, but I heard everything. I remember the lady shaking me and saying, “Oh, my God.” I remember the ambulance people taking off my clothes and making me throw up. There wasn’t any pain. I don’t remember having my stomach pumped.
When I woke up it was five days later. A big black lady kept tickling me. “‘Bout time you woke up,” she said. “I’ve been tickling you for three days.” I thought I was in heaven — it looked like some place in heaven for the misfits. Turned out I was in the basement of a free clinic, a long room with rows of beds with all kinds of teenagers, pregnant girls, suicides, drug addicts. We walked around in gowns, smoking cigarettes and watching TV. The reason I tried was I was angry at my mother, but when she came in she just said, “Why’d you do this — to try to get attention?”
Am I glad I was rescued? Oh yeah. I was so glad I didn’t die. It made me realize how much I appreciate myself, because I had a glimpse of what I might have lost. I had some friends and I would’ve missed them. I didn’t have to go home after that. They put me in a foster home. The State made me go to a psychiatrist. I never liked the man. I thought he had more problems than I did. I felt drugged and slow for a couple of years. Every now and then I’d take speed to feel normal. Downers still make me feel speedy. If I had a suicidal friend now I’d ask them, “Why don’t you have any alternatives? Could it really be so awful?” That’s what I say to myself now.
Thomas, Hair-Dresser, 21 years old, Male
Be aware of how serious SUICIDE can be.
Suicide takes the lives of nearly 30,000 Americans every year.
Many who attempt suicide never seek professional care.
There are twice as many deaths due to suicide than HIV/AIDS.
Between 1952 and 1995, suicide in young adults nearly tripled.
Over half of all suicides occur in adult men, ages 25-65.
Suicide rates in the United States are highest in the spring.
For young people 15-24 years old, suicide is the third leading cause of death.
15% of those who are clinically depressed die by suicide.
There are an estimated 8 to 25 attempted suicides to 1 completion.
1 in 65,000 children ages 10 to 14 commit suicide each year.
The strongest risk factor for suicide is depression.
By 2010, depression will be the #1 disability in the world. (World Health Organization)
Suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the U.S. (homicide is 15th). (CDC)
Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for 15- to 24-year-old Americans. (CDC)
An average of one person dies by suicide every 16.2 minutes. (CDC, AAS)
There are four male suicides for every female suicide. (CDC, AAS)
“I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with eachother; for those were some of the best times of my life.”—
“When you’re young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don’t leap at all because there’s not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there’s no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”—Sex and the City
It’s difficult being gay. You are different and a minority in the world. You are often persecuted and shunned by the straight community.
And being a gay Christian makes me a minority within a minority. I find other gays running away. It is understandable. After all gays have found abuse not only within society, but traditional refuges of family and faith are often sources of abuse. Sadly most gays reject God along with hurtful religion. I find that most have been taught a distorted image of who God is and given a picture of a punitive, angry and vengeful entity. I believe God is none of those things.
There was a time when I thought being gay and being religious were mutually exclusive. After all the Bible clearly condemns homosexuality… Or does it?
Many Christians will ask the question “Would God create a person he would condemn to hell?” Most people say no. Then they will point out that since the Bible clearly condemns homosexuality, then God didn’t create homosexuals.
But they forget the other leg of the logic - IF GOD DOES CREATE HOMOSEXUALS THEN HE DOESN’T CONDEMN THEM AND THE BIBLE IS BEING MISINTERPRETED.
Now I know it’s a shock that the Bible might be misinterpreted (this is irony folks). But I have been on a close walk with God almost all my life. I pray, give thanks, and rejoice. And when I was in the dark depths of the closet, God asked me this question…
WHY ARE YOU ASHAMED OF THE WONDERFUL MAN I HAVE CREATED IN YOU.
Of course he added that being ashamed was not very productive and that I should come out with pride and get to the work he has set for me.
So that’s why this is here. It’s a chance to tell my story, to share my ideas, to examine my spirituality and to bring hope to others like me who are struggling through what looks to be a no-win situation.
So I’m glad you have found me. Check back for more.
I thank God for giving me the awesome gift of my sexuality. It has taken me decades to understand that it is a precious gift, one I would not change for anything. Being gay is an integral part of me. It makes me loving and sensitive and compassionate. To remove it from me would be to destroy me completely. My very soul is gay.
I am proud to be gay and proud of my God who created me and blessed me with this very special gift. (Thank you Scott - Blogger)
Yes, I’m a bit depressed. I’ve been surfing the gay news media again – that’s never good. Which led me to the AFA (BTW thanks to Scott). This is poetry not necessarily all experience folks.
So here’s the message I am hearing.
God hates me. I am a pervert A deviant Queer Fag – said with spit. I am unnatural – violating the laws of nature.
But Jesus can fix me. Yet he hasn’t. Despite my prayers & faith.
We can make you straight, they say. Embrace celibacy Find women sexy. Or at least pretend to. Perhaps they can make me like beets as well. And plaid pants.
I can be like them. They promise with Kum-ba-ya Even if I despise them. Can’t I see how God has blessed them. It’s enough if I just act like them. Blessed saint of conformity.
My parents don’t understand. I do not fit their plan for their life. Their plan for MY life Do not play the part they assumed I would.
People tell me all I have to do is choose. They who made no choice. I am belittled. Mocked By these experts about my life. They seem to know better than I what it’s about. When did I choose – I don’t remember? Do they think that because I chose the red toy truck I damned my soul for eternity?
It’s so clear to them who speak with the voice of authority. They know me so well – better than I must know myself. I must be a vile creature. Unfit to interact Unfit to parent My gayness may rub off. Unfit to teach or preach or lead or fight. Unfit to love.
Imprisoning me is justified. Killing me is justified. Tying me to a Wyoming fence post As a sign to others. Dismembering me and tossing me in the river Is understandable Merely because I think you are a nice handsome man and ask you on a date.
I mock their weddings, they shriek With my desire to express my love. They frown at my joy and disapprove that I dare hold my lover’s hand. They deny me ways to express my love, to share my life. They deny me the right to ease my partner’s pain And care for him. To raise our children. To decide on his behalf. All in the name Of what is just and right.
I will destroy what marriage is all about. Do they mean the male domination of women? I look for role models. People to show me the way Not Exodus But freedom and love. How can I love myself if I am so unlovable? How can I live with such a vile person as myself? I’m clearly going to hell. Everyone tells me. Often. And loudly.
Yet can hell be worse than the eternal damnation of life? Can hell be worse than scanning the dark shadows of the street Wary of good Christian men. Heaven as portrayed to me looks like hell to me.
Since the dawn of time. God has hated me. So the Bible says. As a child I was told that Jesus loves me. Now I hear in the bullhorn that God hates fags. AIDS is God’s curse, they say. I bring AIDS to the innocents they say. I am not a victim – I volunteered they say. Even though he waited thousands of years to inflict this so called curse. Perhaps Hitler was God’s curse too. For killing countless gays.
At least drugs alcohol sex food priesthood masochism violence. masks the pain.
Come sweet damnation and eternal oblivion. Save me Lord, from those who would save my soul.
Dear God, I remember when life seemed easier. I remember when I was happy. I remember feeling like you loved me. Somewhere, God, I lost that. I forget what it’s like to feel like you are with me. You tell me that I am precious and honored…instead, I have found myself in a mess. My life is in shambles. I’m not happy. I’m alone. All I can see are my mistakes, and I feel like I HAVE been burned by the fire. Did you give me more than I can handle? You promised me that I don’t need to be afraid, but all I know is fear. Step in God. Show me that you are stronger than me. Keep life from washing me out. Help me stand on my own feet again instead of fighting for breath. I believe that you are who you say you are. I want you in my life so that I don’t have to feel this pain anymore. I trust you to help me see what you see when you look at me. Thank you for loving me even when I don’t deserve it. Thank you for giving me more chances than I could have asked for. I love you, I know I do. I’m trying. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
1 But now, this is what the LORD says— he who created you, Sam, he who formed you, Samuel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze… 4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you… 5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you; 10 “You are my witnesses,” declares the LORD, “and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he. Before me no god was formed, nor will there be one after me. 11 I, even I, am the LORD, and apart from me there is no savior. 12 I have revealed and saved and proclaimed— I, and not some foreign god among you. You are my witnesses,” declares the LORD, “that I am God.
do not dwell on the past. 19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. (Isaiah 43)